Of all possible emotions, joy has the highest vibrational frequency.
Happiness and joy are not the same thing.
What I’ve realised of late is that nothing is really quite like something without joy.
It doesn’t matter what I do, it does not matter what I manifest, joy has the highest vibration and will always manifest faster. So behind all the master manifestos lie a bunch of just joyful people. We’ve been programmed to believe that all joy lies in our external reality of fleeting happiness we buy with money, like cars, houses, jewellery, clothes. Naturally that seems confusing. We are taught as children to look to external ‘things’ for happiness. We are not taught about joy however. There’s a vast difference between short term happiness and long term joy. Joy has the power to remove all obstacles and attract all of your needs. Joy is created when we truly listen to our Self, our intuition, that part of us that cries for change sometimes, that challenges us to be a...
A very large part of my inner child healing work is about taking a closer look at the relationship of you and you parent(s) and it all started with taking a closer look at me and my relationship with my parent(s).
The relationship with my mother has always been difficult.
A very vivid memory was when she handed me my 'First's' book. That book that is filled with your first word, the first time you did this and rode that or when you started walking.
My first word was written on the first page. It stuck out like the headlights of an oncoming car on a dark, windy country road.
My first word was 'fuck'.
In the first instant I was devastated.I can and do laugh about it now. I mean, I must have been an angel child. Those nannies must have been loving on me hard.
This 'first' sums up the relationship of my mother and I until my eldest son, Liam, was born.
"What if we weren't so concerned with messing up or looking bad? Being bold, while scary and challenging at times...
Last night, Spirit grabbed my foot. In the middle of the night. I woke up with a start, then I got REALLY cranky when I realised it was not 6 am and time to get up. So I ignored whatever wanted my attention, might have used a swearword...but that’s between you and me. Don’t tell my kids about it. I’m all about universal respect. Ahem.
It’s just, you never know what happens when someone/something/some it feels the need to wake me in the middle of my precious nighttime nap. Like, please, give me a break! Please! Noah only recently started to sleep through the night. Life is hard when you live on little sleep...so the moment comes when he actually sleeps right on through but then Spirit thinks...hey, Heike is sleeping so peacefully but she’s not used to it YET. So let’s wake her, right? So last night, after my foot was grabbed, I woke up, looked around with one eye half #woke, the other one refusing to open and then hit my head straight back on my pillo...
So the way I write publicly and the way I write privately is very different. I was wondering the other day if I was capable of doing a #glennondoyle and really open up and be completely vulnerable. Something that no one I know in ‘real life’ is capable of. I wondered why I had always been so afraid of being vulnerable. Or if I had been afraid of the responses of others to my vulnerability. I am quite direct and often share experiences because most of the time someone will say: ‘Really? I’m so glad you just said that. I feel exactly the same way!’. Also, I like to (over)share. I like to hand out things, love to give away things I actually still need.
I always feel like I have a great deal to say and nothing to say, all at the same time. Do you guys feel like that too? I want to write about daily life, about death, about all the realities and energies I see. About my grief, my losses, my wins. But I also don’t want to, and I am scared it will be...
Why is it so hard for me to get organized? If Liam has two playdates in one week I start sweating. I literally freeze and have to sit down. I then look at my huge magnetic calendar on my fridge and start planning. Naturally I don't actually need to plan, sit down or think. Things are mostly straight forward. But not to me.
I look at that calendar 100,000,090 times a day because life is hard but #wecandohardthings.
In those moments I want to move into the jungle, preferably Hawaii's rainforest region. When I go into a meditative state I am often met by a hawaiian elder in a region close to a volcano. It feels like home. Problem is, I could only stay a few nights because I would miss my dishwasher.
I'll wash my clothes in the river, i'll wash my body in the river. My fake lashes will fall out, my skin will break out and all that will not unnerve me. But my dishwasher, that one will hit me...
I'm not looking for excuses anymore. I'm also not looking for solutions. I know, right now, that everything will be ok. I believe that I will never be given anything I cannot handle.
From the age of 11 I implemented a survival strategy that would bring me years of shame and self loathing that I am pretty sure I had no idea of then and then there.
I remember my mother entering my room, early in the morning, I was playing and not getting ready for school so it must have been the weekend. I can't remember the exact date. What I do remember, what is etched into my brain and will never leave my side is the way I felt when my mother broke out the news to me.
I will never forget the highly sensitive, deep feeling child that I was. I just always felt everything so much deeper than others. I was always the odd one out. I would always protect those that were bullied, those I felt were weaker than me and not capable of defending themselves. I remember sticking up for a nerd...
"I tell you this to break your heart, by which I mean only that it break open and never close again to the rest of the world."
- Mary Oliver
Breaking open bit by bit is like learning to ride a bicycle. At first you are phenomenally scared, like I was, when I was supposed to ride and steer that thing simultaneously. Talk about multi-tasking. Then you're on that bike and still have no idea how to hold your balance while steering and peddling at the same time. When you're finally on that bloody bike and you have it going for about 10,4 seconds, fear kicks in. What if this is not the right way, what if I fall and hurt myself... what if I actually...bleed? Your mind is playing tricks on you while you're actually doing this colossal thing and it's really hard to stop and realise the impact you are having on your own growth. You did it. You actually did it. Until your father or mother let's go and you go crashing down the street with 20km/h, no way of braking...
I was afraid of the upcoming course. I had booked a silversmith course with my friend and myself. In two days we were able to make our own ring. From the start, I was trying to lift the mood and chatted a bit, making everyone laugh. I feel uncomfortable in new settings with ‘strangers’. That is my way of loosening myself up. What I was really afraid of, was failing. I remember being in art class when I was 15-18 and the teacher hating everything I did. It didn’t really matter what I painted, she hated it and she hated me. It really crushed my self confidence. The power a teacher has is immeasurable. I don’t exactly know why she disliked me. There were many kids that were expressing their individualism. I wasn’t too different. But I reminded her of parts of herself that she disliked. So every time I try something new, especially if a teacher is involved, I am afraid of failing.
"Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue...
There are days when I feel extra special needs special.
There are numerous excuses I might use, like I’m just about to get my period, my coffee beans have run out, I’m on detox, I am the detox, I have to clean and so forth. But there are days when the weight of being different almost feels stifling. Until my kids are home and I have no more space in my brain to use for myself. Kids do that to you. Be aware.
I heard once that within truth lies the funny and that’s how I roll. I am dead serious about life but I also try my best to laugh about it on the daily. I will preach, I will give advice, I will shut it and I will sulk. I will allow those emotions to wash over me. I have learnt to not stay attached to them. I know now that I am not attached to opinions of others. An opinion is a judgment, period. There are lot’s of those floating around. Also, lot’s of plastic floating around. Let’s minimise that one too while we’re at it.
Sometimes I feel like an imposter. Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what to write and how to write it. Sometimes I care what people think, sometimes I don’t. Most of the time I feel ike I need to know how to act and feel when some’thing’ happens. I doesn’t matter if the outcome is on love or fear, I often just want to know how to feel. I realised the other day that we don’t need to always know how to feel or act. That socially acceptable is bollocks. That I don’t have to fix my child’s feelings, the outcome of any given situation. That I don’t need to know how something will feel or make an opinion of it. That it’s ok to just make space for something without knowing or understanding it. I always want to understand the groundbreaking strands. Except when we’re talking technology. I have other strengths…
"The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection."