That one time I was semi-possessed

*trigger warning SA*

I couldn’t remember it clearly. I was lying on my bed in France, propped my computer up on a cushion next to me so my shaman could see me. She told me to put a cushion just below my torso. It felt uncomfortable but what was to come would feel even more uncomfortable.

Uncomfortable to speak about.

To talk about.

To acknowledge.

I clearly can’t remember details well. I use excuses for this all the time.

This time, my excuses hid in the back closet. And the key was lying in the deep end of the pool where my kids were swimming.

While I was breathing in, she took me back.

Back to a time and place I had forgotten.

I remember standing next to my neighbours pool and her coming out of the pool house naked.

She walked with an air of nonchalance you would expect of a strong, confident 9 year old.

I was mortified.

As soon as I pointed out my father’s penis and asked what it was in our daily bath together, an iceberg came out of nowhere and hit me in my torso, the air rushed out of me and I couldn’t catch my breath for years to come.

I was 4.

Years of pure, innocent and loving memories taken away in one second because of a penis.

The things taken away from me because of a penis. The list is long. But the things given to me because of a penis - also long.

I was a broken and well trained good girl back then.

Good girls listen and mirror.

Good girls take the pain away.

“Good girls listen and mirror.

Good girls take the pain away.”

My neighbour wanted her pain to go away.

So after very little persuasion on her part (back in the day, people sold me on many colourless dreams) I got in the pool…naked.

I held on to that side of the pool like my life depended on it.

Again, with little persuasion. My knuckles started discolouring because of the death grip I had on the only thing left keeping me safe. Eventually I let go and swam. And I enjoyed it. It was night time. I remember the african night sky. I have seen a similar sky in France, when the clouds take a break and have some high tea.

I had no idea why we were allowed to swim that late at night. Until now, now I know why.

As a mother I have had these dynamics with my partner before, I say: “No, it’s late, they need to go to bed” and he says: “It’s the weekend, let them stay up later. They’re having fun”.

I am sure this went down that night too.

While I was swimming away from the house, finding myself getting closer to the deep end, her father came out.

Immediately my whole body sank below the surface. I could hear muffled voices while I sank deeper, motionless. If I could have had the power to disperse into water droplets, I would have.

I was taught by my own father that the naked body was something to be ashamed of. Don’t speak of the penis.

But my body remained solid, even though my heart spilled all out of me.

The clock was all I focused on in that tiny room down by the pool.

After that pool house incident I left my body for a LONG time so I didn’t notice that something had come with me.

Until one day, still asleep, never truly woken, I knew something was wrong.

Feelings are like God sometimes. We can trust them without seeing them.

I had random impulses to go into my bedroom to watch porn and masturbate. I never wanted to go outside even in summer. I wanted to hide. Depression. Anxiety. Suicidal thoughts. I felt awful afterwards. Dirty. Useless. Like I was cheating on my husband.

Through multiple spirit interventions I couldn’t ignore I followed spirit guidance and contacted a real Spirit Release professional who confirmed what I had felt. He removed the dark being and contrary to what you might think, my work didn’t begin, it deepened.

To this day, having walked with the dark, I have a unique view on it. I walk with it differently. I speak to it differently. It took me closer to love than my children ever could.

The absence of the dark doesn’t make love brighter. The sun rises, regardless.

I prophecy that this area of our work will transform and gently let go of outdated 3d practices we have been ineffectively using in a small scale for over 100ds of years. There are just so many people a Shaman can reach with their crystal extraction. We cannot let humans walk for 20 years believing their thoughts, believing they are the problem, being institutionalised because of attachments and possession. Insanity often finds the root in the afore mentioned.

The New Earth requires innovation through allyship, so no one and nothing can ever slip through again.

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